I will start with a huge apology to
all for not writing more. It's just that it seems there are always
other things that seem to distract me and I generally don't feel that
I've had a lot to say. With that being said it's on to the latest.
I suppose anyone that didn't know any
better would think its easy to sit at home and watch TV and generally
do nothing all day. The problem is that its just not me. I'm more
likely to be outside trying to fix some problem with the mower or
weedeater or designing some piece of furniture or some such thing. I
enjoy watching TV like anyone else but for me its just not as
relaxing when I think about all of the things I would rather be
doing. Fortunately I can still ride around on the lawnmower but in
this heat the grass doesn't grow much and lately all I can do is sit
around and complain about the heat and watch my lawn die like
everyone else. Yeah, I can throw water on it like others do ( on the
days that we're allowed to water ) but that only drives the water
bill up and when you're on a very limited income it just doesn't make
sense. Chemo has been over for several months now but I wasn't
prepared for how it was going to affect me. It took longer than
expected for it to hit me and so I thought I was going to be in the
clear. I lost over 30 lbs. And although I had it to lose it seemed to
take my strength and stamina with it. Before this I'm sure I would
have been one of those on the sidelines rooting for the sick person
and giving them loads of encouragement. And when you're receiving
this it feels good for a bit. But sooner or later you're going to be
left alone with tour own thoughts and limitations and its hard not to
just say to hell with it all. Don't get me wrong here. I am in no way
suicidal but its actually pretty easy to just sit and let others do
for you. It's not me but it's still easy. I'm still on a liquid diet
and although it keeps me alive and holding my own I don't gain
anything from it physically other than just maintaining the status
quo. I've never been someone who has had to worry about weight so
this is new to me trying to think of things to do to gain. My
nutritionist has had all kinds of ideas about things to do. The
problem is that when the radiation burned out my taste buds it seemed
to also take my appetite with it. If I miss a meal ( 2 cans of what I
refer to as baby formula ) it doesn't bother me at all. The smell of
food cooking no longer brings mouth watering thoughts of culinary
delights and friends and family are constantly trying to tempt me
into one concoction or another. It's impossible to explain the
disconnection between myself and food. I know if I could figure it
out I could make a fortune in the diet industry. The most frustrating
to me is the loss of strength. The effort it takes to ride a bicycle
around one city block can be exhausting and yet I know I should be
trying something to build my strength back up. Mornings are usually
pretty good but as the day progresses I get more and more tired. By
the time 9:00 PM comes around I'm not far from being ready for bed
and I used to be the night owl. I have things to do to the truck that
I have put off for months waiting for my srtength level to come back
up to the point where I might be able to turn a wrench or even stand
on my feet for any length of time. Yesterday we went to an off site
storage locker that we've had for quite some time to empty it and
thereby saving money that we don't have. ( A tip from our government,
stop spending money you don't have and call it a savings ) My son and
his friend did all of the work and all I had to do was sit and direct
traffic as to where it all went. By the end of the day we had spent
about 5 hours moving the stuff and I was almost ready for bed at 4:30
in the afternoon.
One thing I can say is that for the
most part I'm off of nearly all pain killers. My right shoulder is
still a problem. After an MRI and a series of X-rays they have
determined I have a torn tendon and a frayed ligament. ????? I have
no idea of when this happened since I can remember having pain in it
since November. And what one might have had to do with the other is
something for bigger brains than mine. All I know is that I have to
take it very easy on that arm and that for some reason if I sneeze
it's like someone put a hot dull knife in my shoulderblade.
Below is some notes that I made
through the last months or so.
This is going to look a lot like Dear
Diary but it's the only way I know how to put it together.
7-25
Spent a good bit of yesterday
packing up the pickup to head to the north 40. It never ceases to
amaze me that just when I think we're all done something else pops up
that absolutely must go and yet I still find room to get it in. We
always seem to come just a little bit short of looking like the
Grapes of Wrath moving company where you would have stuff tied on
every conceivable place with one of the relatives strapped on and
hanging on for dear life.
7-28
Monday evening and we've been here
since Friday. Went to a country auction on Saturday and picked up
some stuff really cheap. One box we paid 4 bucks for had a whole
assortment of goodies in it including a 10 pack of teflon tape, a
refrigerant leak detector, and some electrical boxes that I was about
to have to buy anyway. Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning I mowed
a couple of acres that we try to call our yard. I say try because
when we rolled up Friday afternoon what I saw was a jungle trying to
surround the place. I had only thought of the lawnmower this trip
because somehow the other two that are on the property were out of
commission and I knew we had had a lot of rain. Nearly everything was
grown up to a height of two feet and all of it was so thick as to be
impossible to run in it. It really put that Husqvarna to the test
since all of it was over the hood and some of it was over my head. I
need a herd of goats of about a couple hundred head to get all of
this under control. Between the heat and the rain that we've had here
you can almost watch this stuff grow. The last time I saw it was a
month ago and most of it was a little over ankle high.
Another thing that has moved in on
us is gophers which makes for an unpleasant surprise when mowing or
walking in an uncleared area. You'll be just going along and Whump!
into a hole that you couldn't see. If your on the mower it's not so
bad- just a bone jarring bump, but if you're walking it can trip you
up. And believe me I don't need any help in being unsteady.
Today we put up drywall with drywall
dust flying all day. We now have two walls insulated, wired, and
rocked and almost 2/3 of the ceiling covered. You notice I say we.
What I mean is my grandaughter and one of the boys since mostly all I
can do ( or all they will let me do ) is supervise. It's almost
looking like a bedroom, that is if we could ever stop moving
furniture long enough. I prefer a perfectly dark room to sleep in but
here a night light or two is a must. With the floor plan changing
almost daily to include tools and a drywall hoist to aid in putting
up the ceiling panels.
7-29
More drywall dust today. We built a
wall, drywalled two, and put up two more pieces of ceiling panels. At
which point I thought I was through, but no . I was reminded that
tomorrow it's supposed to rain all day and there was more to mow. So
another hour or so on the Husky and the contest was to see if it
could break my back before I gave up. I won but just barely. The way
I know is that after a minute or so after I got off of it I could
still walk.
7-30
Well the Husky may have the last
laugh. Sleep last night was a bit tortured and with everything that
hurt and when I got up this morning I was really stiff. It took an
extra 30 minutes and a couple of Tylenol with my coffee to get myself
motivated to get up and get something done today. We wound up getting
one more wall drywalled and four more ceiling panels put up all of
which finished the second floor. The only thing left will be to tape
and mud and paint. The first floor still needs some drywall but it's
in the stairwell area where I keep a lot of tools so that will wait
for a while. We'll be headed back to Texas tomorrow, if we can get
through the mud. It rained all day today and we still haven't gotten
the driveway covered with crushed rock which would stabilize the
drive and make it an all weather road.
7-31
Another restless night but we have
decided to take the day off rather than packing up and heading back
today. So at least I'll get a day to recover before we make the trip
back. Goofed off most of the day (recovering ) but I did manage to
clean the carburetor on a generator we had picked up on a lark (It's
been sitting for years so we're just selling it for parts. ) and
after a little coaxing it ran just fine. Later that evening we went
to another auction and picked up a door and a few other odds and ends
for just a couple of bucks. The auctions that they have there in
Maud,Ok. every week are more like an oversized yard sale where you
can find everything from 8 tack tapes and player to lawnmowers, from
doorknobs to chandeliers and all at bargain basement prices. If you
hang around long enough though you will find out where they make
their money. The livestock auction starts within about 20 minutes or
so after the yard sale stuff. I say livestock but it's mostly goats
and poultry. Most of the goats start at $ 65 and go on up to $ 250 or
so. The more high dollar goats have registry papers on them. I have
no idea what everyone is doing with all of these goats but once in a
while you'll see some kid with an FFA jacket saying goodbye to his
project.
This next was to be a post but I never
got very far with it.
8-25
The good the bad and the hairy
I finally got to talk to the
radiology Dr. and we had a good discussion of what was going on. He
said that he saw no sign of cancer in the PET scan results. We talked
about the actual results and that there was no way to give a 100%
accurate answer from what he saw but the odds were in the 90 % and up
range. The next PET scan is scheduled for middle November and he said
that those results would probably be more significant. The ENT Dr.
will still see me once a month for at least another six months.
That about covers the good. The bad
is that my saliva glands are permanently damaged from the radiation
and that I probably won't be very far from a drink of water for the
rest of my life. Another thing I learned is that my kidneys were
damaged from the chemo and I will have to be on guard about things
for the rest of my life. No more ibuprofen or alcohol because each
have a detrimental effect on the kidneys. I should say that one drink
every once in a while won't hurt but a night out with the boys so to
speak will never be in the cards again. Also no more MRI's or the
like with contrast as that isn't good for my kidneys either although
I would almost classify that in the good category.
And now on to the hairy. While
talking to the ENT Dr. I mentioned that I couldn't seem to get the
coat off of my tongue and that often in the night I would wake up and
my tongue felt like sandpaper. She then told me that I have a
condition called hairy tongue. Umm, so I will have to live with a fur
coat on my tongue forever ? Well a coat yes, actual fur no. It's just
the name for the condition. I don't know where the name came from but
it's annoying as hell. I wake up in the middle of the night with my
mouth feeling like it's been washed out with sand or sawdust and
dryer than anyone could possibly imagine.
