Merry Christmas To All !!!

    I have been ready for Christmas this year since Halloween was over. After a little bit of thought, I came up with the fact that if this hadn't been caught when it was, this probably would have been my last Christmas. I usually put up a Bah Humbug type of front with my actual feelings held below the surface so as to have everyone believing that I don't like Christmas. I really do love Christmas, it's just that I absolutely hate the way that in August Wal-Mart has replaced the garden section with trees and decorations, etc. and Home Depot and Lowes put up their Christmas aisles around Halloween.    

   Uh, HELLO, I need grass seed and insecticide. Oh, the insecticide has moved to the paint department and I'm afraid there wont be grass seed until February. I love Christmas but I don't want it shoved down my throat months ahead of time. Black Friday isn't black Friday anymore, it's black Thursday afternoon. What's next Black Halloween ? They're already half way there with the black. Baaahhh !! Humbuug !!!

    Where were we ? Oh yeah, Christmas. I have had my radio tuned to an all Christmas music station since it came on before Thanksgiving. I'm just happier this year. Without getting too preachy, I just turned this whole thing over to God. I am no model christian by any means, but my faith has pulled me through some pretty bad situations and I don't see any reason to give up now.

    That being said if I had the means I would hack into something and delete pretty much everything that the music group Wham! has ever done. I realize that an all Christmas program on a radio station is going to have to repeat songs every so often. But I can't count the number of times in a day that Wham! is whining about last Christmas. ( I do have to confess here that when Taylor Swift sings the same song I like it. )

    Something I've always liked about this time of year is that people are usually friendlier and in a better mood. I'm sure that all of the parties that abound this time of year just may have something to do with it. Whatever it is it always seems to make getting used to old man winter a little bit easier. By the time the new year has come and gone everyone has had a chance to get used to the cold. Granted everyone has lost their Christmasy demeanor and depending on your area you might have snow up to your second floor window ledge, but you know that spring is right around the corner, right?

But Christmas is about cheer and good will towards men and this year I have my cheer and it's not with a glass of cheer either. ( I'm not supposed to drink anymore, remember ? ) Never fear, I'm sure I can find something to catch up to the party with.

    Christmas is also about extending a hand to those who are less fortunate. And you don't actually have to give money to make a difference. You can give your time to food banks, go ring a bell, help out at your church, etc. With the financial situation we're facing this year, I've taken to making small gifts for those people in my small circle, and mowing several yards for those who can't get to it themselves. Even if it's just babysitting the two brats from next door while their parents do some Christmas shopping. ( Hmmm, where did that come from ? ) So, if you haven't helped someone yet, go out and get to it. The rewards you will receive will far outweigh the small amount of effort that you will have put into it.

    12-18

    Today I had an EMG. This is where they apply voltage to different nerves and gauge the reaction. You are hooked up to a machine not unlike an oscilloscope that displays different nerve reactions. The juice that they run through you is a low voltage, but with plenty of amperage. Almost every time he hit that thing I jumped. The idea is to find your reflex points and apply it there. Evidently the idea is not to see if I can feel it, but to see how high they can make me jump. Mostly it feels as if someone has hooked up your funny bone to electricity. It's not the most unpleasant procedure I've had done, but it's in the top five. ( The dentist is still number one. )

    I'm eating a couple of meals a day now and still doing a couple of cans of formula. My strength is returning slowly as is my stamina. My biggest problem seems to be being able to stay in a good temperature range so that I'm not too hot or cold. The weather in Texas hasn't been to bad yet and I'm still able to get out to my shop to work on small projects. Everything from the doctors still looks good, so I am hopeful.

   A continued thanks for all of those that are praying and rooting for me. I know all of the prayers are working because I'm still here to pester everyone. Thanks again. I couldn't have done it without everyone's help.

      So, until next year,

             Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

There's news in there somwhere

   Just an opening note to my readers. As I'm sure you have noticed the blogs have gotten farther apart. When I started this I was pretty much a captive to my treatments and as such had much more time to sit, think, and write. Now that I'm at home, the amount of time that I actually dedicate to writing is a very small part of the day. Add to that, that most of the news of my illness has been told and that my appointments are farther apart, and it leaves little to write about so please bear with me while I try to find a style and something to write about. I've said it before, they tell you to write what you know. The problem there is I have a few stories that I could write, but when you clean them up for publication they tend to lose a lot. I have a short story I have almost finished and when I can figure out how to get it out to people I'll let you know that it's ready.

   Oh, and one other thing, I've never been trained as a typist so all of this is done in the old hunt and peck style.

   The house at the north forty has come along slowly, but it is coming together. The place is almost 100% livable, lacking only some caulking, a little insulation, and a little more drywall. We placed the wood burning heater and all it needs now is the piping for the exhaust. The pipe is expensive so we wanted to be sure of all the measurements before we bought a bunch of stuff we couldn't use. We've checked into phone service and they believe that we could have phone and internet within a week of requesting it. Since cell phones don't work within a mile or two of the place, a land line is a must. About the only thing really holding us to the Granbury house is that it hasn't sold. If we had a serious bite on the house I believe we could be out in a week, although I would have to call in a lot of favors.

11-21

   The weather has been decent and I've felt good enough lately the last several days. I have been able to get Christmas lights hung, the window AC out of our room, and a few more odd chores that I had been putting off for warmer weather. With my right arm not wanting to work right some of that was a little tough.

   For the past several years I have been a bit of a weather nut, paying attention to the cold fronts and the weather patterns, and I have to tell you, I'm not missing the snow and traffic at all.  And that reminds me that whoever wrote the song Home For The Holidays has never actually driven from the Atlantic to Pacific because I've never seen the traffic being terrific ( horrific maybe ). ( Just a note, after researching the song, it was published in 1954. That might explain it. )

However, I have already made my first resolution for the new year, to get back on the road. My appointments have gotten farther apart so that I might be able to plan when to get back for them.

Lately I have been taking four cans of formula and an evening meal. I'm trying to get back into the habit of eating, although it's a bit different without teeth. If I can gain back some of the weight that I've lost, I should be getting back some of the strength also.

12-8

   Well, I guess now it can be told. I had a PET scan done last Friday and the results are in. My neck seems to be free of cancer, BUT there are several spots on my lungs. The Dr. said this could be from several things, including an infection or aspirated food. He also said that you can aspirate a small amount of food and never choke or be aware that it has happened. He has scheduled a CT scan to see what it turns up. If they don't like what they see, then it's on to do an aspiration of one of the suspect nodes. That's one I'm definitely not looking forward too. The needle is about a foot long and they take pictures of the needle while they are inserting it to make sure it's in the right place. Push it in a little, take a pic and repeat until they are happy.

   Right now the largest one is about the size of a pencil eraser and to get an accurate reading on the suspect node it needs to be about the size of a marble. So I'm sure there will be a waiting game for all of that.

   We also saw ENT where they ran a scope up my nose and into my throat. After running through my sinus cavity for a minute, that Dr. said I looked good from what he could see. My appointments for ENT are now set for 8 weeks instead of 4 to 6.

    Next Monday they are going to do a nerve test on my shoulder where they send electric shocks through my muscles to see how they react. ( Dr. Frankenstein, calling Dr. Frankenstein ) They are trying to figure out if my nerve got damaged somehow in all of this. Gee, I just can't wait until they see how high they can get me to jump off of the table.

   Ok, I've made you wait long enough so I'll post this now. I'll try to get another one out before Christmas.

  

Yard sales and Thanksgiving

Sorry for the lateness of this post. Sometimes life just gets in the way.

10-26

We had a yard sale this past weekend and I suppose if you look at the numbers we did OK. The glass top table did not sell as I had hoped, but we eliminated a lot of things that we had been storing and generally cleaned out a lot of stuff. There were two other friends of ours that put some stuff in it, so our entire front yard was covered in everything from clothes, baby items ( she had been holding on to some hoping for more grandkids ) tools, and knick knacks to just about anything else you may have ever seen at a yard sale. The leftovers were donated to a church that is going to have one next weekend so we can go there and buy back all of it. NOT. We had been getting ready for this for about two weeks. Thursday was a killer of a day trying to set this all up. Thursday night I thought I was going to have to crawl to bed. And like most yard sales we had a LOT of lookers. If everyone had bought one item we would have sold out Friday. Of course Sunday was a cleanup day. And as usual we found several things that could have been put in the sale as we were putting away other things. On the other hand, my shop/storage shed hasn't been this clean in a lot of years.

My real food intake now includes oatmeal, scrambled eggs, refried beans, potato chips, candy, and ice cream. I realize that candy and ice cream aren't actual foods, but again it's all about calories. Besides, 4 out of 5 dentists say it doesn't matter if you don't have teeth. I'm trying to add a few things a week so that my digestive system can get used to real food again. I'm still doing the cans of formula to keep my caloric intake up. I've never been one to count calories, but now it seems that I'm supposed to be on a weight gain regimen like the super cut, six pack toting young guns. It reminds me of a comedian that was told to try Billy Blanks workout. ( Paraphrasing ) “ Why, I can't do that. It would turn me into a tough, lean black man and I would have to change all of my family pictures. “

My real problem now is with fatigue. The temperature outside has a lot to do with it. Currently the temperature outside is in the mid 80's. I can go outside for about 10 to 15 minutes at a time and then I have to come in and rest. It does give me some time to write, but not being able to stay out longer gets old really quick. As the weather moderates I'm able to stay out longer enabling me to build up my stamina.

Days Later

The temps have moderated and I've been able to get outside and do more. Ideal temp for me seems to be between 50 and 75.

And a few more days later

Well, you know how someone says if you don't like the weather just wait a few minutes, it literally hit us in a matter of minutes. At 11:30 PM it was 74. One hour later it was in the 40's. I couldn't tell you the exact minute that the wind switched from the south to the north, but I can tell you that there couldn't have been more than thirty seconds between the two. Now, a day later and it will be in the 30's all day and another 5-6 days before the temps come back up again. I've never liked the cold, and it seems I tolerate it even less than the heat. Of course the wind has been there to intensify the temp and that is never helpful. With the 20-30 MPH winds one to two minutes is about all I can take before I need to find something out of the wind. I have a small heater in my shop, but with us counting pennies now I can't leave it on as much as I would like.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time of year that tends to make you look back at the year gone by and reflect on what you should be giving thanks for. I for one have a great many things to be thankful for, not the least of which is that the cancer was caught before it was too late. I still have a few tests to be done to be a bit more certain that we have gotten all of it. I certainly have more to be thankful for, but I believe that is the one thing I am most thankful about.

I am also very thankful for my wife, Teresa, who I'm fairly sure cares more for me than I do myself. She is always making sure that I have taken any meds that I'm supposed to, making, keeping up with, and taking me to appointments and so much more.

And any list of thanks would be incomplete without my huge list of friends that have prayed for me, given me endless encouragement, and wouldn't let me think for a minute that this could get the better of me. And the list would be nowhere near complete without the care from all (except the dentists ) of the ( mostly ) helpful staff at the VA. The medical staff at the Dallas VA is overworked, underfunded, and doing most of this on the run. I've gone over the problems there before and I don't see any chance of it getting worked out this decade.

No list of thanks would be anywhere near complete without a huge thanks to my brother. He prefers to remain in the shadows, but we would be close to financial ruin if it weren't for him and his wife.

I would also like to thank each and every one who has read these blogs. Early on this was my one way to vent and communicate since my therapy called for being there almost every day for two months. It always helps to know someone is listening.

Until next time,

Just a quick update

    My last ENT checkup was good and my appetite seems to be returning slowly. I'm eating a lot of candy now and am experimenting with other things as well. I had a hand full of Frito's the other day. Of course I had to eat them one at a time and let them slowly dissolve. Not the munchy, crunchy that most people enjoy. But I did like them. I'm trying to eat some scrambled eggs every day. Food is starting to smell good again although it still doesn't seem to bring on hunger pains.

I know this one is awfully short but I'm going to try to post a picture of a table frame that I made. I had bought the glass top several years ago at an auction with the intent to resell. Come to find out that glass top tables ain't the rage I remember when I was delivering furniture back in the 70's. So now I've built a frame for it and will try to sell it as a table. At any rate, here's hoping that the pic gets posted.

   

  Hmmm. I guess it worked.

A look back

    I don't suppose any lay person can really understand how cancer truly affects a person. Its one of those things that unfortunately you just have to get it to fully understand how it affects the body's ability to do all sorts of things. And it affects each and every one it touches in a different way. One short trip through a chemo infusion room will really wake you up. You will see every type of person or humanity hooked up to a machine putting the vilest poisons into their bloodstream just to be able to stay above ground for one more day. Some young but mostly older people. Some you can tell have made their peace with the world, some you can tell haven't quite figured it out yet, and some still have that strange look of disbelief that it cant be happening to them. Chemo affects everyone differently yet there are many things in common. Hair loss, vomiting, and diarrhea are the usual things along with a generally weak feeling and malaise.

    Radiation is a bit of an eye opener if you don't know what to expect. Depending on where it is attacking you the technicians will attach you to a table and turn the machine on for about 20 seconds for each shot with somewhere between five and ten shots again depending on your individual case. For head and neck treatment you are attached to the table from your chest up in a contraption that resembles a bad Halloween costume or possibly something that has come from the set of a really bad horror movie. For 20 minutes or so you can't scratch or do anything but lie perfectly still. You can expect burns from the radiation and a loss of hair at the treatment sight, possibly permanent. In my case my beard is now much lighter and it takes about a week now before I start looking scruffy.

    The good news is that chemo and radiation do work. With roughly 2 months of daily treatments mine was reduced to almost nothing. This combination is still the best option. Treatments are being developed now that target your own personal DNA and in time may even lead to a more painless cure.

    New problems will crop up from time to time throughout your treatment. You will find that foods quit becoming the tasty little morsels that they once were and some smells that used to set your mouth to water now you almost gag at. The smell of popcorn can almost make me run from a room.

    There will come a time when you are through with treatment for a while and you'll think hey that wasn't so bad. I had a few rough days during chemo but it straightened itself out soon enough and I was feeling normal again. What I wasn't prepared for is the delayed reaction to chemo. I started losing weight almost immediately and I didn't have that much to lose. And with the weight loss also came a loss of strength that I wasn't ready to accept but had to give in to eventually. For me its been a very long battle and its still a fight to do some of the things I used to do. Thankfully I have a riding mower because if I had to do my yard with a push mower it would just have to look shaggy. By the time it would take me to make four passes over my front yard it would be time for me to take a nap. Thankfully now my strength is starting to return but its a slow process and I still find many limitations on my activities. The cooler weather has been a blessing and I'm doing exercises to regain some of my strength. The heat affects me more now than ever and tends to accentuate my lack of strength and stamina. And truthfully how many games of solitaire can you play and how much TV can you watch before you go stir crazy ? I personally have to get up every hour or so and go outside and walk around. Then after I've made my round of the backyard and made sure it's all still there I go back inside.

    Sleep is another thing to get messed with. I had been a day sleeper and a night stalker. My standard line to other drivers was that Teresa was the day shift and I was the night shift. Some of my sleep was surely upset by the fact that my treatments were all morning times and if you do things long enough you will eventually fall into that schedule. However, always before when I worked a day shift I would sleep late on weekends and stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning. Not now. By 11 at night I'm looking at the bed longingly and by 8 in the morning I couldn't sleep anymore if I had to.

    The PEG tube or G tube ( Gastric ) as the doctors call it which is just a small rubber hose that comes out of your abdomen and is connected to your stomach is another inconvenience that you will have to mold your life around. A dietitian at some point has made the calculations as to how many calories it takes to keep you alive and maintaining your weight. The tube allows you to be fed usually by means of a baby formula looking liquid. For me it's six cans a day and I am highly encouraged to eat anything else I can manage. My major problem at this point is that food has now become inconvenient. It's a bit surprising really but when you don't eat food for quite some time and you don't have hunger pains any more you totally forget about eating. I have almost turned into one of those bratty kids that refuses to eat anything. With the sense of smell ( which is very closely linked to your sense of taste ) screwed up and your taste buds on vacation it gets really hard to tell yourself that you want something. Your brain asks the question “ Why bother?” and after a bit when you can't come up with a reasonable answer you just quit eating. In my case there were other things at work but the result was the same. I have finally convinced myself that at this point in my recovery that I am going to have to start eating at actual food if I'm ever going to fully recover. And trying to explain the almost total disinterest in food borders on the impossible. It's almost like a habit you once had but have moved on past it. If I could just figure out a way to sell that.

    To add insult to injury I was informed last week that the VA is not going to give me any teeth even though the dentists had told me that I would indeed get them. Add to that the cost of dentures runs between $ 400 and $ 2300 depending on how well you want to look after they finish and how long you want them to last. So it's looking like I'll have to wait until I can get back to work before I'll be able to afford dentures. The biggest problem with that is that in order to gain strength and weight I need more than the liquid diet I have been subsisting on. Catch 22.

    When I first went to the doctor about this I figured it was goiter or something similar. Of course when we found out it was cancer our whole lives changed. We decided that we would take off of work while treatments were ongoing. What we never expected was how long this might take. It's been ongoing for ten months now and we're still not sure when it may end. It's been less and it's been more than expected. Less in the sense that it wasn't totally debilitating and more in that I wasn't really expecting this long of a recovery. All of the weight I have lost has really eaten into my energy and stamina reserves to the point of almost having none.

    My right arm and shoulder are another issue. It was originally thought to have been a complication of the cancer. Turns out I must have done something at one time or another to tear some stuff up. Physical therapy people have now looked at it, worked on it, and given me some exercises to strengthen it back up.

    Mostly though, as I look back I see how lucky I was to have caught this when I did. The doctors had originally said it was stage 4A meaning that if it wasn't caught very soon my time would have been limited. Although you never know really how long any of us have, I like most people would like to stretch it out for a bit longer. I have no hopes or intentions of seeing 100. By the time I'm in my 80's I'm sure I'll be sitting in front of a TV or computer trying to find enough to keep my mind occupied. I have known for a long time that God has had a purpose for me although I'm never really sure as to what it is.

            Until next time.

Getting better bit by bit

9-25

    Well I finally feel confident enough to tell it. I'm beginning to feel better. It's been a very long haul and I still have a very long way to go. The last few days have been good and I've actually been able to get out and do something. I'm sure the weather moderating has had a lot to do with it since I can stay outside for more than 10 minutes at a time. I have a small workshop that affords me shade and a stool to sit down on with a fan to cool me if I feel the need to cool off or rest. Monday I built a table frame for a glass top that I've been carrying around for several years. If I have any luck at it I will post a picture of it. I can also tell that I'm more steady on my feet and I don't feel as much like a doddering old man. There were times that I was not sure that I would be able to get across the back yard without some kind of help. My demeanor has gotten a bit better also. The pain in my shoulder has eased fairly significantly and I'm off of all pain meds with the exception of occasionally some Tylenol. The lump in my neck has diminished to the size of an almond and you have to know where to feel for it to find it. I know I still have a long way to go to be where I was physically in January when I felt good. My legs are gaining some small amount of strength which makes me more stable and able to stand for longer periods. My biggest complaint now is the daily dalteparin shots which I have to give myself in the abdomen which now resembles what happens when someone falls asleep on a dress assembly line and the sewing machine runs right over your belly. My abdomen is bruised almost everywhere and there are no good places to stick myself. On the occasion that I find a sight that doesn't hurt when it goes in, it pays me back by feeling like a bee sting for several hours.

I suppose my biggest complaint is that my mind wants to do things and my body isn't quite ready. My good spells come and go and the only way I know if they're here is to go outside and see how long I can stay busy before I have to rest.

    Friday we're heading up to the north forty to drop some things off and to attend the electric co-op's annual meeting. It seems you don't get a dividend check if you don't attend but mostly it's just an excuse to go to town.

9-28

    Sunday afternoon at the north forty, no TV ( the signal has dropped out completely, sunspots or the ISS has set up in stationery orbit or hell it could be the durn wind flapping my Signal Sucker 1000 so hard it can't keep up ) but that's no great loss since the only signal I get here right now comes from OKC. We get four local stations that provide us with weather and news and most of what passes for prime time TV. Eventually we will have some dish or another for TV and the local phone company for phone and what passes for DSL here. Not quite as bad as dial-up but we will be taking an eight times speed drop when we move in up here. It's likened to the difference between 240 MPH and 30 MPH, and that is as fast as it gets. There is very limited cell service here so a land line is a must. Besides it's still the cheapest choice and it may be slow but there isn't any cap. All of the satellite internet services we have looked at have monthly caps on how much you can use much like data plans on a smart phone. We were hoping to be moved in here within the next month or so but there are so many things to do before we can move it's downright overwhelming.

    My point to this is that I'm perfectly happy with life here ( at the north forty ) as it is now. And when we get technology here don't think I won't be using my share. But I know that technology won't get in the way of my appreciation of nature and my little piece of it. I absolutely love that the only eyes that can see anything I'm doing are straight up above me, and we're fairly familiar with the local pilots.

    I know this has been a short one. We have a very dear friend who is a writer that has written a book titled “ Writing is a Process “ which one of these days I'm gonna hafta read. My biggest problem with keeping up this blog is that I don't have as much to say now mostly because most of my treatments are over and other than trying to figure out what my strength level is on any given day I either sit and play solitaire or watch TV or go outside and do something. ( I know it's a run-on sentence. In school my teachers couldn't figure out why I did so well in literature and stunk so badly in grammar. Hey teach, I have yet to have ANYONE ask me to diagram a sentence. ) At any rate I'm going to let this one loose and maybe in the days to come I'll get a light bulb to go on and put something else to write about.

   I'm still working on the table so pics will be posted on Facebook when it's done and I'll try to get them on here too.

Sorry ma, I know I should have written sooner

    I will start with a huge apology to all for not writing more. It's just that it seems there are always other things that seem to distract me and I generally don't feel that I've had a lot to say. With that being said it's on to the latest.

    I suppose anyone that didn't know any better would think its easy to sit at home and watch TV and generally do nothing all day. The problem is that its just not me. I'm more likely to be outside trying to fix some problem with the mower or weedeater or designing some piece of furniture or some such thing. I enjoy watching TV like anyone else but for me its just not as relaxing when I think about all of the things I would rather be doing. Fortunately I can still ride around on the lawnmower but in this heat the grass doesn't grow much and lately all I can do is sit around and complain about the heat and watch my lawn die like everyone else. Yeah, I can throw water on it like others do ( on the days that we're allowed to water ) but that only drives the water bill up and when you're on a very limited income it just doesn't make sense. Chemo has been over for several months now but I wasn't prepared for how it was going to affect me. It took longer than expected for it to hit me and so I thought I was going to be in the clear. I lost over 30 lbs. And although I had it to lose it seemed to take my strength and stamina with it. Before this I'm sure I would have been one of those on the sidelines rooting for the sick person and giving them loads of encouragement. And when you're receiving this it feels good for a bit. But sooner or later you're going to be left alone with tour own thoughts and limitations and its hard not to just say to hell with it all. Don't get me wrong here. I am in no way suicidal but its actually pretty easy to just sit and let others do for you. It's not me but it's still easy. I'm still on a liquid diet and although it keeps me alive and holding my own I don't gain anything from it physically other than just maintaining the status quo. I've never been someone who has had to worry about weight so this is new to me trying to think of things to do to gain. My nutritionist has had all kinds of ideas about things to do. The problem is that when the radiation burned out my taste buds it seemed to also take my appetite with it. If I miss a meal ( 2 cans of what I refer to as baby formula ) it doesn't bother me at all. The smell of food cooking no longer brings mouth watering thoughts of culinary delights and friends and family are constantly trying to tempt me into one concoction or another. It's impossible to explain the disconnection between myself and food. I know if I could figure it out I could make a fortune in the diet industry. The most frustrating to me is the loss of strength. The effort it takes to ride a bicycle around one city block can be exhausting and yet I know I should be trying something to build my strength back up. Mornings are usually pretty good but as the day progresses I get more and more tired. By the time 9:00 PM comes around I'm not far from being ready for bed and I used to be the night owl. I have things to do to the truck that I have put off for months waiting for my srtength level to come back up to the point where I might be able to turn a wrench or even stand on my feet for any length of time. Yesterday we went to an off site storage locker that we've had for quite some time to empty it and thereby saving money that we don't have. ( A tip from our government, stop spending money you don't have and call it a savings ) My son and his friend did all of the work and all I had to do was sit and direct traffic as to where it all went. By the end of the day we had spent about 5 hours moving the stuff and I was almost ready for bed at 4:30 in the afternoon.

One thing I can say is that for the most part I'm off of nearly all pain killers. My right shoulder is still a problem. After an MRI and a series of X-rays they have determined I have a torn tendon and a frayed ligament. ????? I have no idea of when this happened since I can remember having pain in it since November. And what one might have had to do with the other is something for bigger brains than mine. All I know is that I have to take it very easy on that arm and that for some reason if I sneeze it's like someone put a hot dull knife in my shoulderblade.

Below is some notes that I made through the last months or so.

This is going to look a lot like Dear Diary but it's the only way I know how to put it together.

7-25

Spent a good bit of yesterday packing up the pickup to head to the north 40. It never ceases to amaze me that just when I think we're all done something else pops up that absolutely must go and yet I still find room to get it in. We always seem to come just a little bit short of looking like the Grapes of Wrath moving company where you would have stuff tied on every conceivable place with one of the relatives strapped on and hanging on for dear life.

7-28

Monday evening and we've been here since Friday. Went to a country auction on Saturday and picked up some stuff really cheap. One box we paid 4 bucks for had a whole assortment of goodies in it including a 10 pack of teflon tape, a refrigerant leak detector, and some electrical boxes that I was about to have to buy anyway. Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning I mowed a couple of acres that we try to call our yard. I say try because when we rolled up Friday afternoon what I saw was a jungle trying to surround the place. I had only thought of the lawnmower this trip because somehow the other two that are on the property were out of commission and I knew we had had a lot of rain. Nearly everything was grown up to a height of two feet and all of it was so thick as to be impossible to run in it. It really put that Husqvarna to the test since all of it was over the hood and some of it was over my head. I need a herd of goats of about a couple hundred head to get all of this under control. Between the heat and the rain that we've had here you can almost watch this stuff grow. The last time I saw it was a month ago and most of it was a little over ankle high.

Another thing that has moved in on us is gophers which makes for an unpleasant surprise when mowing or walking in an uncleared area. You'll be just going along and Whump! into a hole that you couldn't see. If your on the mower it's not so bad- just a bone jarring bump, but if you're walking it can trip you up. And believe me I don't need any help in being unsteady.

Today we put up drywall with drywall dust flying all day. We now have two walls insulated, wired, and rocked and almost 2/3 of the ceiling covered. You notice I say we. What I mean is my grandaughter and one of the boys since mostly all I can do ( or all they will let me do ) is supervise. It's almost looking like a bedroom, that is if we could ever stop moving furniture long enough. I prefer a perfectly dark room to sleep in but here a night light or two is a must. With the floor plan changing almost daily to include tools and a drywall hoist to aid in putting up the ceiling panels.

7-29

More drywall dust today. We built a wall, drywalled two, and put up two more pieces of ceiling panels. At which point I thought I was through, but no . I was reminded that tomorrow it's supposed to rain all day and there was more to mow. So another hour or so on the Husky and the contest was to see if it could break my back before I gave up. I won but just barely. The way I know is that after a minute or so after I got off of it I could still walk.

7-30

Well the Husky may have the last laugh. Sleep last night was a bit tortured and with everything that hurt and when I got up this morning I was really stiff. It took an extra 30 minutes and a couple of Tylenol with my coffee to get myself motivated to get up and get something done today. We wound up getting one more wall drywalled and four more ceiling panels put up all of which finished the second floor. The only thing left will be to tape and mud and paint. The first floor still needs some drywall but it's in the stairwell area where I keep a lot of tools so that will wait for a while. We'll be headed back to Texas tomorrow, if we can get through the mud. It rained all day today and we still haven't gotten the driveway covered with crushed rock which would stabilize the drive and make it an all weather road.

7-31

Another restless night but we have decided to take the day off rather than packing up and heading back today. So at least I'll get a day to recover before we make the trip back. Goofed off most of the day (recovering ) but I did manage to clean the carburetor on a generator we had picked up on a lark (It's been sitting for years so we're just selling it for parts. ) and after a little coaxing it ran just fine. Later that evening we went to another auction and picked up a door and a few other odds and ends for just a couple of bucks. The auctions that they have there in Maud,Ok. every week are more like an oversized yard sale where you can find everything from 8 tack tapes and player to lawnmowers, from doorknobs to chandeliers and all at bargain basement prices. If you hang around long enough though you will find out where they make their money. The livestock auction starts within about 20 minutes or so after the yard sale stuff. I say livestock but it's mostly goats and poultry. Most of the goats start at $ 65 and go on up to $ 250 or so. The more high dollar goats have registry papers on them. I have no idea what everyone is doing with all of these goats but once in a while you'll see some kid with an FFA jacket saying goodbye to his project.

This next was to be a post but I never got very far with it.

8-25

The good the bad and the hairy

I finally got to talk to the radiology Dr. and we had a good discussion of what was going on. He said that he saw no sign of cancer in the PET scan results. We talked about the actual results and that there was no way to give a 100% accurate answer from what he saw but the odds were in the 90 % and up range. The next PET scan is scheduled for middle November and he said that those results would probably be more significant. The ENT Dr. will still see me once a month for at least another six months.

That about covers the good. The bad is that my saliva glands are permanently damaged from the radiation and that I probably won't be very far from a drink of water for the rest of my life. Another thing I learned is that my kidneys were damaged from the chemo and I will have to be on guard about things for the rest of my life. No more ibuprofen or alcohol because each have a detrimental effect on the kidneys. I should say that one drink every once in a while won't hurt but a night out with the boys so to speak will never be in the cards again. Also no more MRI's or the like with contrast as that isn't good for my kidneys either although I would almost classify that in the good category.

And now on to the hairy. While talking to the ENT Dr. I mentioned that I couldn't seem to get the coat off of my tongue and that often in the night I would wake up and my tongue felt like sandpaper. She then told me that I have a condition called hairy tongue. Umm, so I will have to live with a fur coat on my tongue forever ? Well a coat yes, actual fur no. It's just the name for the condition. I don't know where the name came from but it's annoying as hell. I wake up in the middle of the night with my mouth feeling like it's been washed out with sand or sawdust and dryer than anyone could possibly imagine.

It's a bird, it's a plane, uhh Jacky ??

  I don't really have any news to share right now but I thought you might enjoy this story. Although no effort was made to verify it's validity Our family takes it for the truth.

  I suppose I come by my love of speed and motorcycles honestly enough. My daddy had an Indian that he used to deliver for the drugstore with on weekdays And on the weekends he and his buddies chased girls and raced their motorcycles. But this story isn't about my daddy or me it's about my cousin Jacky. His stories always sounded a bit like a truck driver story ( you ain't gonna believe this stuff ) but his wife Sharon was always there to nod her head grimly and knowingly. This story as related by Jacky of his last ride.

    Now Jacky had two vices in this world. One was alcohol and the other was a motorcycle. Not just any motorcycle though. It had to be a Harley. And it had to be full dressed with fringe on the handlebars and saddlebags on the back. Jacky was a bit of a tinkerer too so it was pretty near the fastest thing in town. And at the very least it had to be faster than any of the cops in town. On this night he had been out with some of his cronies. To hear my aunt tell it they were all no good hoodlums. In truth these guys were all hard working farmers who just happened to have their own private beer joint out in the back pasture of one of the guy's acreage. It was a pretty good deal because you would bring your beer or whatever and put it in the fridge or a cooler and everybody would proceed to get good and drunk and not bother anyone but themselves. A stereo served as the juke box. Closing time was whenever you ran out of booze or if you were the last one out.

   This particular morning it was about 2:30 or so and Jacky had decided it was time to see if he could sneak home without waking up Sharon. No small task because he was on his Harley and the Lake pipes he had on this particular motorcycle had a tone to them that would rattle the glass out of it's panes if you weren't careful. Now the most direct route home would carry him right past the sheriff's house. So he knew he was going to have to stick to back roads. The best route would take him about a block and a half from the house but he figured if he coasted the rest of the way he could coast it right up into the driveway and no one would be the wiser. The one thing he didn't figure on though was Roy the local highway patrol was doing a late night shift watching for drunks on their way home.

   Enter Jacky. Jacky was never really known for his sneaking ability because usually the only one he fooled was himself. He was cruising about 80 mph when Roy first heard him. At first Roy didn't know who it was and lit it up code 3 after the nights bad guy. As soon as Jacky saw the lights he knew two things immediately. First he could out run Roy. The second was he had only done it sober once. He took off to the side roads and headed for the highway to put some distance between the two of them. He figured he would take Roy out on the highway and then cut back into town on the back roads so as to lose him. The one thing Jacky couldn't know however was that Roy had gotten a new car two days ago and had been dying to try it out in a high speed pursuit but that the little farm county he was assigned to rarely afforded that type of chase. Jacky's Harley would hit 150 easy enough but Roy's new Fury was supposed to hit over 165. So the race was on and after a bit when Roy started to gain on Jacky he could tell it was him seeing the fringe flapping in the extra lights Jacky had on his Harley. At this point Roy cut the siren so as not to wake any more people than necessary knowing that Jacky's pipes were doing quite well in that department by themselves. Then Jacky turned off onto a side road knowing that if he couldn't outrun a car he could darn sure out corner it by a long shot. Taking side roads back he was about two miles from home when he came up with a plot to outfox Roy. He would cut right and then left onto dirt roads so as to create a dust cloud that Roy couldn't see through zigzagging back to his house. As the plan was later explained the way it was supposed to go was he would take a hard right go about a a half of a mile, cut the engine and coast up his drive, grab the cover he kept for the Harley, cover it up and go in the house. And as I said that was the plan. That all went awry when he glanced down at the speedo and saw he was going 110 coming up on that right turn. Now he knew he had taken that turn before at nearly 90 and made it. But he had been sober. And he was going 110. He had a decision to make and in a hurry. He could either try to make the corner knowing that he would have to lay it down to the pegs to make it. Or he could keep going straight across a farmers field and a quarter mile or so he would be on another dirt road and Roy wouldn't stand a chance in hell of catching him then. So with his mind set on outrunning Roy he decided to keep it straight. The thing Jacky couldn't know however was that the field in question had been plowed and furrowed that day with furrows about a foot tall and a two feet apart. So when he left the road at somewhere over a hundred miles an hour he was standing on the pegs like a cowboy in the stirrups. And at first he thought he was going to be alright. Until he saw the furrows. Then he knew better and went into damage control mode. As he hit the first furrow it sent him up into the air and the words of Evel Kneivel came to him. Stay with the bike. So as he came back down on the first of five bounces that was what he was saying to himself. He had been somewhat prepared for the first jump since he had been standing on the pegs. But the first one took all of that away and on the down side of the second jump it pushed the saddle up into his testicles and he began to have doubts about the sanity of Evil's words. Never the less he stayed with the motorcycle. But after the third time with it crushing his groin even worse he said to hell with the motorcycle, let it fend for itself and he let go. He stayed with the bike for two more jumps before it threw him and he wound up wrapped around a telephone pole out in the middle of the field. The wind had been knocked out of him and he appeared dead. Roy came running up and stumbled down and began crying because their rivalry had always been in good fun. He said “ Damn it Jacky all I was gonna do was give you a ticket.” and that's when Jacky started to get his breath back and croaked “ If you'll get me in the back of that car and take me to the hospital you can write the whole #@! book at me. “

    After Sharon got to the hospital and was sure he wasn't going to die she swore to Roy and Jacky that he would never ride again if he wanted to stay married to her. Many years later when I was visiting him and he related this story he asked me to come outside. As we went out I saw a Harley sitting in the driveway. It was solid white with white saddlebags, lots of fringe and lots of lights. He had gone to an ag auction about 50 miles away to buy a tractor. Sharon hadn't gone so when he saw this Harley he figured why not. He could have one of the hands drive the pickup back and he could ride the Harley. What he didn't know was one of the hands had called Sharon and by the time the auction was over she was there and told him he could have the thing but it was going to have to go home on a wrecker. So to add insult to injury he had to hire a flatbed wrecker to take it back home.

And so Jacky never rode again.

And a great gnashing of teeth could be heard ( if I had any )

    7-21

    Just a quick note to let everyone know that although I'm generally weak and can't do much other than watch TV or play on the computer, I have a few appointments coming up that may shed a bit more light on my situation. The situation now is cautiously optimistic, but I'm still waiting for one more doctor to give me his evaluation before I start to breathe easier.

    Now if everybody's ready let's get on to an old fashioned rant.

   Last week our refrigerator decided to do it's every other yearly thing of freezing up. The only cure for this is to unplug it for a day or two to let it thaw out. Your only warning for this is that the temperature readouts on the front start reading temps that are nowhere near right. I don't know what braniac engineer decided that the fridge side of the unit needed a defroster to make it work right, but I would like to sentence him to 5 years of replacing the heater units in every one he/she designed. Normally I don't get all PC with the he/she thing but I wanted to make sure I included every one of the possible braniacs that may have had some input on fridge design. This particular unit is a Samsung and when we got it we were assured that with a six year warranty that it was of very high quality and we would get many years of service out of it, which I was very glad to hear at $ 1400.00. Yep, we got 6 years and a month before we had to call the Geek Squad to fix it. The first thing he told us was we were probably running it too cold. It has a temperature readout on the front of it and we had the freezer set at -10 degrees and the fridge set at 36. Of course he also said that the heater on the fridge side had to be replaced and would take a week for the part to get in. In the meantime he defrosted the fridge side and said it would be fine until he could get back with the part. He said what caused the problem was opening and closing the fridge door allowing moisture in and then to freeze. Back to the design engineer, uh were y'all not aware that we were going to have to open the door a couple of times a day ??? And we don't even have kids at home anymore to leave the door open for 30 minutes at a time. I realize that it's kind of high tech to be able to set your temps on the fridge, but the fridge side IS NEVER MEANT TO FREEZE. So tell me oh brainy one why does it do it and why can't you figure out how to prevent that ??? At a cost of over $200.00 to have a tech come out and defrost the damned thing every two years it gets old kind of quick. The repair process calls for emptying out the fridge completely, taking all of the shelves out, and then dismantling the air handler at the back of the fridge. This involves taking out about a dozen screws and using a steamer or a hair dryer to thaw out the air handler enough to get it apart to be able to finish thawing it out. This whole thing takes about two hours and another 45 minutes to put it back together. Replacing the heater takes about 5 minutes after its all apart and thawed. The only other option is the afore mentioned unplugging since the brainy ones also forgot to put an on/off switch in it. I remember all too well having to defrost the Kelvinator that I grew up with. Funny thing though it was always the freezer.

   Now with all of this being said, Teresa decided she had had enough of this and went to find another one. After we had gone to 3 places she had worn me out so a friend of hers took my place and off to Ft. Worth they went to find one. A couple of hours later a phone call said they had indeed found the perfect one but it wouldn't fit in the friends Tahoe. It was decided we would pick it up the next day in my pickup. It had to lay down due to the camper shell I have and had about 2 inches to spare. That was the easy part. When we got it home a friend came over to help get it in the house. After taking off the door to the fridge, the door to the house, and rearranging the living room furniture we finally got it in. Evidently another engineer figured out that if he made the thing a half inch bigger it would require you to disassemble your house to get it in. I imagine them sitting at a screen much like the one on NCIS in the MTAC room where they are watching by satellite someone try desparately to get one in their house while one of the helpers goes to fetch a chainsaw to make the door big enough to get it in. But after much groaning and grunting and more than a little swearing it was in the house and many hours later it was cooling, loaded, and in place with the water line hooked up and all. It has a lot of pretty lights inside and one to show you when you didn't leave the glass under the ice dispenser long enough so you can see the last ice cube go shooting across the floor.

    Engineers have long been overlooked as someone to throw rotten tomatoes at. I think it's because as we grew up we heard the name engineer and immediately thought of the train engineer. And a lot of boys had dreams of becoming one some day. But these are not the types of engineer that I have a problem with. The type I'm talking about is the one that designs a Kia that has to have the top end of the engine taken apart to change the spark plugs. What, you say, surely I'm exagerating. Nope, a Kia Sorento requires that you take off the intake manifold to change the plugs introducing a whole other level of possible problems. I'm sure that the original idea was to make sure you took your vehicle back to the dealer since no one in their right mind would tackle that under their own little shade tree. Or how about a Chrysler product ( and here I must apologize as it's been over 14 years since I saw it and I don't remember the exact model ) that requires you to pull the engine to change the starter. It was a front wheel drive car, but the engine was mounted in such a way so as to make it impossible to work on without pulling the engine.

    These are the types of engineers I'm talking about. These people should be watched from an early age and when an instructor sees this type of behavior a note should be made somewhere that will follow them through their education and on into their career. These notes individually wouldn't mean much, but as they added up over time one could see where it would be headed and the person could be warned. Warned of what ? Warned that if they continued to put out designs that required ridiculous amounts of labor to fix a problem that would inevitably come that they would have to be sterilized to prevent future generations of braniacs. Of course this could never happen but I can dream.

  

You're just gonna hafta read it

    7-14

    I guess I'm supposed to take the bad with the good but today about stretched that line to the limit. When you call in to make an appointment you get a recording like in a lot of other places nowadays. The big difference here is that the recording tells you that if you are feeling depressed or maybe thinking of suicide etc. you should call an 800 number that they give you. We went to the clinic in Ft. Worth today to see my primary care doctor. Mine is a woman, which I have no problem with the gender. What I don't suffer well though is someone that does not listen to what you are saying and continues to repeat the same crap over and over. One of my complaints today was my right shoulder that has a really tight knot in it, I can't lift my arm over my head, and is painful if I lift it over my head which I have to do with my left arm. When I had my PET scan the other day I had to keep my arms over my head for a little over 20 minutes. By the time I got out and was able to move my arm down I was almost ready to cry. They talk about your pain number all the time. At that time it was somewhere around an 8 or 9. When I talked to her about this her answer was to take more pain meds. Gee, and I always thought that when you told your dr. about some pain their first concern was what was causing it. No, it's take more pain meds. Who knew ? She went on to say that it was not her concern, it was the ENT clinic. If I remember the song right “ The shoulder bone's connected to the neck bone “ which means it's the ENT clinic's problem. With that logic my swollen knee is their problem too. I told her my knee was swollen and hurting and she said take more pain meds. I'm beginning to think what she's trying to get me to do is call that 800 number and tell them I'm about to murder my doctor. Either that or she's trying to turn me into an addict. Well, good luck on that because I haven't met the pain med yet that I could get addicted to. Don't get me wrong, there are several I like because they do the job that they're intended to. But the side effects of most of them are worse on me than the temporary pain relief. I have a fairly high tolerance for pain but along with that comes a high tolerance for drugs that relieve pain. That is, it takes a lot to do the job. And I'm not one that enjoys the doped up feeling when you take enough to feel high.

    7-16

    On to a better day. I went to the ENT clinic today and they gave me the full results of the PET scan. ( Is everyone holding their breath ? It's OK you can breath now. ) After getting through all the mumbo jumbo of technical medical jargon it seems I'm fine now. They aren't ruling out future problems mostly due to what the radiation may have done. But for all intents and purposes I'm in the clear. I have to go back for monthly checkups for the first year and every two months after that for the next four years. Another PET scan will follow in a few months. Thankfully the ENT doc listens and is willing to talk about your problems and offer any guidance necessary. She also agreed with me that more pain meds is not the answer to the problem with my shoulder and that it's not related to the neck. She said I may have to go for physical therapy to get my shoulder back to normal.

Well I know this has been a short one but I wanted to get the news out because I know a lot of people wanted to know. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming “ cuz I ain't outa here yet .”

Hi Ho Hi Ho a writing I must go

   7-12

   After several weeks of trying to return my life to normal the stuff that the chemo people warned me about has finally come to pass. A loss of strength, energy and a general feeling of malaise. This past week I have slept more than I can remember since I don't know when. Without being too graphic Monday was just horrible and the rest of the week has been playing catch up. Friday was a clinic day that started with labs. I was more than a bit dehydrated and I was afraid that the blood draw was going to be a battle. The vampires in the lab are professionals though and had success on the second stab. Of course they also handed me two containers to fill with urine and they're still waiting on that. One of the clinics I had to see was Nuclear Medicine and I had to be fasting for that. Since I was still feeling nauseated the fasting didn't really bother me so much but it added to the general feeling of weakness and the dehydration level. The only good part of the visit was after the nurse had injected me with some dangerous looking stuff I was allowed to take a short nap all while being covered in very warm blankets. I realize that it's summer and everyone wants the AC on but the average temp in there is around 72 and I know that I'm not the only one in there that was wanting something to keep warm. Most of the nurses had a sweater and I usually have mine but when you leave the house and the outside temp is nearing 90 with predictions for 100 it doesn't really occur to you to grab your sweater. We keep our thermostat at the house set on 79 and there are times I even have a sweater on there but I know that's just my internal thermostat going crazy again. Maybe someone ( one of the doctors there maybe?) should remind them that going in and out of a cool building and into the heat isn't very conducive to good health.

The visit to Nuclear Med clinic was a bit weird and I almost felt like I was on a set from some sci-fi movie. The nurse spoke with a what I believed to be a heavy Hungarian accent. ( I wasn't about to ask, she had needles and I was too weak to put up much of a fight anyway.) After she started the IV she left the room and came back with a box approximately 12 inches long and about 5 wide and 5 tall. She set it down and by the way she handled it I could tell it was very heavy. It turns out it was lead lined as was the syringe she pulled out of this box. This syringe was almost two inches in diameter although it was mostly just lead shielding. Then she injected me with this stuff which I almost expected some weird science experiment to transform me into something. Exactly what I'm sure I don't know. Even my imagination has a hard time coming up with what to do with a 6'9” skinny toothless old guy. The only thing still functioning worth a darn in me is my brain and there are more than one person lately that would debate that. ( And probably many more that have always debated it. ) As I said earlier then she wrapped me up and I got a nap. Then on to the torture chamber. Actually it was the PET scan machine but my right shoulder has a knot in it and when they had me lift my arms over my head to get me in position for the scan it felt more like I had a knife stuck in below my shoulder blade trying to come out at my shoulder. The technician said it would take 20 minutes and when he came on the intercom and said “ Nine more minutes” I wasn't sure I was going to make it. When they finally pulled me out of the tube I had to take my left arm and lift my right arm back down. Then they had one more to do but luckily my arms didn't have to be up for this one. Needless to say by the time I got out of there I was wiped out. I hadn't had anything to eat all day and very little to drink. I wasn't sure I would hold anything down so I waited till I got home to try. When I did sit down at the house I took one can and a big glass of water and let that sit for a while. Finally later that evening I was able to take two cans. For those of you that haven't been following right now nearly my only source of nutrition is from pouring two 8 oz. cans of liquid, similar to Boost, into a tube inserted into my stomach. I am able to eat some things by mouth but it has to be the consistency of baby food.

   Monday I go to see my primary care Dr. and Wednesday I go back to the ENT clinic and I'm supposed to get the results of the PET scan so I'll sign off for now and let y'all know how all of this goes next week.

Did ya miss me ??

   Back at the keyboard after a vacation. A vacation from what one might ask. Pretty much everything. Doctors, needles, telephones and anything to do with the Big C. Well almost anything. I'm still feeding through the feeding tube but I'm up to six cans a day. I had lost down to 189 lbs. But now I'm back up to 200. We went up to the north forty for almost 2 weeks and got a lot done. I did find after 5 days that I'm not the he-man I thought I was. We had been getting up early and going to bed early due to not being in contact with the outside world and no TV. So of course one day while I was at Home Depot when I saw an antenna I bought it and after hooking it up and moving it around 15 or 20 times we were able to get 3 channels. I suppose if I were to put it up on a tower a hundred or so feet in the air I might be able to get OKC or Tulsa, but for all of that trouble I'm sure we will still be getting Dish when we actually move there ( along with a land line and a very slow DSL ). We have learned that when we're on the road we need a DVR to record our shows and to be that far out in the country the only option is satellite and my personal preference is Dish, mostly because my Tivo works with it and I have a lifetime subscription with it.

My health seems to be coming back up slowly. My energy levels are still greatly reduced from what it was this time last year although after radiation and chemo the doctors are happy with how I'm doing overall. Monday was my first visit since the end of treatment and their only complaint was that I wasn't eating enough. I don't know how to explain this, but if you can't taste food and it has to be the consistency of baby food it's really hard to get interested in eating. One Dr. seemed to be worried that I would forget how to swallow. Really ? I drink coffee in the morning and 2-3 liters of water during the day. How is that getting past my mouth if not from swallowing ? That really is the farthest thing from my mind. The other thing is without teeth it becomes a problem trying to figure out just what I can eat. Or I should say swallow. Try getting through one meal without chewing and while you're at it make it the blandest most tasteless thing you can find, and then imagine having to do that for the better part of a year with the hope that at the end of it you might get to taste some of it. Now before you go thinking that I'm having my own little pity party I'm not. Every time I go to the VA I see people in way worse shape than I am and I truly know how lucky I am to have caught this when we did and especially lucky to have so many friends and family that are praying and pulling for me. I'm just playing that old recording of “ I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired “. And I know Teresa is getting tired of my crankiness and other traits I seemed to have picked up with this.

Another thing that nobody bothered to warn me about is memory loss. I'm not talking about where I left my keys. The other day I went to take a shower, turned the water on waiting for the hot water to come up. After a minute or so when no hot water came out I turned it off and went to check the water heater. The pilot light was on and it seemed to be working. I turned the heat up and the fire came on. I went back to check and still no hot water. After one more check of the water heater I went back to the shower and Voila! hot water. The difference ? I actually turned on the hot water. I had been turning on the cold water. For as long as I can remember the cold has been on the right and the hot on the left, yet I was turning on the handle on the right and expecting hot water. This is not the first time this has happened but it's the one that went on the longest. It's also quite disconcerting to put something away and two days later have no idea where to begin looking for it. I put a saw up several weeks ago in my storage shed. Now the shed is only so big, but I'll be darned if I can find the thing.

6-20

Today was one of my off days. I had a couple when we were up in Oklahoma but they weren't as bad as today. I mostly sat in my chair all day and watched TV and slept. Around 6:00 PM I finally got enough energy to move around. I hate days like this. I feel so useless. It's like someone decided that all you could do today was watch the world go by. As I've mentioned before I'm ADD and about the hardest thing in the world for me to do is sit and do nothing. Writing this seems to be a decent outlet, yet I would much rather be out working on some project or another.

Well I know this is short for having been off so long but I'm going to see if I can remember the password to put this up.

6-26

As you can see it took me a bit longer than I anticipated to get this up. I did however recover all of my data from the other computer which is what took me so long. All of my passwords and email accounts were in a file on it. Note to self : keep all of that info somewhere besides on the machine you're using it. We're going to the north forty for the day to drop off some guineas we bought here. They need to get used to the place before they get big enough o turn loose. They're supposed to eat fleas, ticks, grasshoppers, and small snakes so it seemed like a really good idea to have some. If they work out I'm sure we'll be getting more. OK so now I'll be posting.

Going, going, gone...for awhile.

I'm keeping it short tonight mostly because my laptop finally bit the dust for good and I'm having to type on an ergonomic keyboard. Really ? what's so dang ergonomic about bending a perfectly good keyboard up so much that there is an actual split between the keys. Is it the part where I now have to relearn where keys are thus slowing any actual wisdom I might be able to impart. If I ever were to want another keyboard it would be a Dvorak so that I would be on the level of about 99% of the people. At any rate WE ARE HOME !!!  Thursday was the last day. They surprised me with this info that morning after looking at my labs. When I asked about how much longer I would need my PIC line the PA spun on her heel and said she would take care of it. She immediately had me set up for the removal of the line. It was weird. The tech took the bandage off and after a lot of disinfecting pulled the line out. I felt absolutely nothing and as I watched it come out it was just really strange. One thing I'm sure of is that if I ever need one again I wont hesitate to do it. That is just too easy.
   So Thursday when we got back to camp we packed a hasty retreat and beat it to the house. It felt good to be able to do things. In the trailer we were very limited in what we could do-- eat, watch TV, read, and sleep. But we are home.
   When I get another laptop going I'll put up another post. Don't worry my time in camp got me pretty used to having a laptop and here I keep one open most of the time I'm awake.
  I'm not due back for another month so I can get a little vacation before the next round of treatments, I'm finding my appetite is very slowly returning and so far my energy level is pretty good.
  Signing off for now.

Even shorter

Thur. night

Tomorrows treatment is the last this week and I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know it's not a train. Two days off and 3 more treatments and then a few more ( OK, probably more than a few ) appointments and I'll be done at least long enough to be able to go back to work. And I would like to get back to work before winter. The alien has gone back into his shell or wherever he came from. Without looking hard the only visible evidence is a sunburnt looking area where the alien was. The truck has set since January with only occasional starting and hasn't moved since it was parked. I know I should move it but I was hoping to have it something to do. I'll take it out this weekend and let it get a few minutes of highway time.

As I've said before our house in Granbury is up for sale and there is always something to do to make it look better or just general upkeep.

I've been using Open Office for the last 4 weeks now. Yes I can definitely tell a difference between this and Microsoft Office. And although I would give Microsoft the edge if I were evaluating ( wait a minute, I think I am actually ) the price most definitely has to go to Open. Again I'm not a power user so it's hard for me to judge fairly. I have used Microsoft for a very long time, and I have used it through many different versions and updates. And before one of the last 2 versions I knew where everything I needed was, until they started adding so much stuff that they had to add ribbons to be able to get it all in there.

Sat. morn.

Home again, home again, jiggety jog.

Another beautiful morning at home. This getting up every morning has temporarily turned off the night owl. When I see light in the morning I find it hard to sleep anymore and if I stay in bed I just lay there thinking of what I could be doing. Or what I should be writing.

Last night a friend of ours came over and cut my hair. It's thinned out some, but I was starting to look like I was auditioning for That 70's Show. So I got rid of some of the fluff and curls. My beard is a different matter. What little of it comes in now I can run a razor over dry and it just breaks off. No resistance, no drag, nothing, Run the razor over my face and it's gone as easy as cleaning a dry erase board. ( Let's hope the hair on my head doesn't start breaking off. ) My neck is another matter. It looks diseased and as tall as I am I get noticed a bit more than the average person. It's almost funny seeing people first do the double take when they see me and then again when they see my neck. The burned area is down low on the right side - where the knot was and is a color of darkness that has never been on my body ever before. I don't tan ( other than a modified farmer's tan ), I burn and burn red. I have the type of skin that will have a water blister cover an area long before darker pigmentation sets in. The difference between the peeled area and the burnt area is striking but in a wrong way. It goes from a bright pink to the color of medium brown leather. Quite the odd color combo and only adds to the stares. I'm actually a bit surprised that more people don't ask what the hell happened.

I can already tell this summer is gonna be a killer for me. Considering the amount of weight I've lost, the meds I'm taking, and how weak I've gotten since all of this started it's gonna be a real fight to keep from falling down into a puddle. I've been outside today and its 91 in the shade. Not for long at a time,

because I get the feeling I would get before a heat stroke. We've turned on the AC when it got to 82 in the house although if we could get the humidity down some we could tough it out a bit more with fans. I know, wait till August it will be down then. Yeah and it will also be 110 or more. I said I was from Texas not Arizona.

Sun. night

Back again, back again, ( and I don't know the rest )

Three more treatments. When I was in the Army and there was a short timer, he was generally not good for much other than to run around, get in the way, and holler SHORT!! every chance he got. The shorter he got the louder and more obnoxious he was. This mostly applied to those who were getting out of the military, those going back to the "world" ( the US ) from overseas, or those going to a better duty assignment. And to be fair this was only people with the rank of sergeant or less. Those of any higher rank had the same feelings but were afraid to act out due to command looking down their nose at you. Now I can't run around there hollering SHORT !! because someone would tell me in a not so gentle way that that is really rude. You know it was rude in the service but who gave a damn. You were done, you were outta there !! Well I feel short. And I'm damned well more than ready to be outta here. I have had the best care that I believe was possible ( DDS excepted ) with what they had to work with. But there is still only so much poking, prodding, and irradiating that one soul should have to take and I'm at my limit. Well, that's what the Dr. said anyway. He said that I have reached the max amount of radiation a person can receive on any one area of their body. Any more and they would start to make me sicker. Hmm, yeah doc I think we should stop right there. Right now the knot is only visible if you get really close and chances are one would be looking more at the burn than for a knot.

Monday

Went in early to do labs and then headed for treatment. Finished that and had to go to the clinic that installed my PIC line to have the dressing checked. When you shower with a PIC line you are supposed to cover it with a waterproof barrier of some sort. The VA gives you a thing called a shower sleeve which is a plastic sleeve and has elastic on both ends to seal the water out. This weekend after I had showered the edge of the shower sleeve had released the edge of the PIC line dressing and scratched the area. After a day it looked like a raw area so we put some ointment on it and covered it with a bandaid. The nurse that checked it today said it should actually stay open and uncovered as much as possible. Oh good, now I have to get a Larry the Cable Guy shirt. And I really don't have the physique for showing off my arms. As my 1st ex wife was fond of telling me " You're coming to the gunfight unarmed ". Gee honey I love you too ( NOT!! ). When I finally got back to chemo for my weekly Dr. visit she said my creatinine was still too high so she sent me to the infusion room to get a bag of saline. One exceptionally nice thing about the PIC line is that it only takes an hour to get a liter of saline as opposed to an hour and a half with just a regular IV line.

Well I'm going to end this one and see if I can get it posted.

SHORT !!! ( Yeah, I'm shoutin' it )

Tuesday

Single digit midget 6 treatment days left

In case you're wondering the reason I put the days and/or the time of day in the posts is that evidently I'm easily confused. I name each of the files as I write them with the date I start them. I had to start doing that after I opened a file and started writing only to find that I had been writing in a blog that had been posted a week or so earlier. Luckily after I had found the right one all I had to do was copy and paste to get it all in the right place. Ahh, the magic of word processing. When I was in school a few teachers tried to get me to take typing class. Of course we're talking 1963- 1968 time period and a boys mind is on other things. as elective classes I took commercial art, wood shop ( twice ), metal shop, mechanical drawing, TV and radio repair, and finally settling on auto body repair. Now most of these classes were all guys since people had yet to realize that girls might like wood shop etc. And I had not figured out like one of my friends did that I could have taken cosmetology. When I asked Roger why he was in a class of nothing but girls he just looked at me as if I must have just landed from the moon. He said something to the effect of " Duh, I get to play with girls hair for half a day and when we're through with that I'm playing with their hands and feet." And I'm thinking now who's the idiot. But to be fair I had a lot more than that going on in my life at the time. And hindsight is always 20-20.

All that to say that the typing classes were mostly girls and the whole curriculum was centered around graduating secretaries, which I could never see myself being. Later in life the Army thought they were going to teach me, until I reminded them that I had a contract with them for a different school. So, all of this is brought to you by the school of hunt and peck. I had to get somewhat better due to working on computers. I used to type in code back when that was the only way you could get a computer to do anything at all. I have tried different people through the years taking dictation to enter code or help organize my thoughts since they could type without looking at the keys. The problem there is twofold. One, I think faster than some can type and if I have to stop to let someone catch up my train usually gets derailed and it might not ever get on track again. Two, I tend to edit as I type and it gets hard to say wait a minute I want to change that. But then I usually proofread it all two times at least before I turn it loose. I check my writing for spelling, grammar ( actually I run grammar check ), and flow. I try to make this more like a conversation, which means I have to imagine what you are asking. See what I go through for you ??

I am very grateful and thankful for a supportive family firstly and a great many supportive friends. And certainly not to mention all of the people who have prayed for my recovery. I know I could have gone this far without them all, but it would have been a more bitter and just not as easy as it has been on me. My wife has been by my side every day, through some of the grossest things, and if it weren't for her the dental surgery clinic might have had a few DDS's going AWOL. Seriously, they have been the only clinic in which I haven't been treated like someone who is still paying for the care -- and paying well. Back to family and friends. One friend loaned us the use of a travel trailer. My brother is paying the rent on the space so we can be 14 miles away instead of 75 and having to make that round trip every day. Friends and family have helped us in so many ways and we have been truly blessed by them. We've gotten more cards than we have ever gotten Christmas cards. I'm going to try to capture the images of some of my favorites and pass them along. Don't expect them before a couple of weeks because this has to be done back at home base where I have access to my wife's prized office where I have the capability to actually scan something instead of taking a picture of it and email it to me so I can download it and then publish it. Wheewwww. Her office is much easier. Although I set her office up, I am only allowed limited use. I am allowed to do maintenance on the network, but only because I promise her doom and gloom may visit if I don't. And I'm allowed to install all of the absolutely necessary software. Usually I am camped in my chair with this laptop other times. This machine is set up on the home network and will print in the office. Every so often I'll hear " Did you print something ? ". To which my reply is usually " Whazzit say ? ".

Hmmmm. Family, friends, grateful. Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff blah, blah. You can't leave this train unattended !!! It will jump the track !!!

Another thing I've been blessed with is that the VA went after this rather aggressively and with very few problems and now the knot is barely visible. The thing that is most visible is the apparent sunburn in the general area where the skin is peeling. The radiation Dr. had said to expect this. Of course Teresa noticed it and kind of had me wondering when I saw her reaction to it. I thought maybe the alien had popped out or something. No, it was just the skin flaking off in rather large sections. We have been putting some stuff on it recommended by the rad Dr. He has said to stick to this stuff till I have finished radiation because anything else might just act like Crisco and aid in the frying process. Uhhh, OK Doc, I'll make sure to use your stuff only.

Wed.

Today marks the one week left point. Five more radiation treatments and one more chemo to go. Of course there will be follow up appointments for at least a week but it won't be every day. Had labs done this morning. My creatinine was still a bit high but they said push fluids and go. As I was leaving I was lucky enough to be able to side track the pharmacist. One of the flukes in the VA system is that to get another problem addressed you are supposed to see your primary physician to take care of that. I told him of the trouble I was having trying to get medicine for my gout. He asked if I wanted to see a Dr. and I said yes. He said he could line me up with a doc Friday. I said great and we left. We hadn't been gone much more than ten minutes when he called and said that he had discussed it with a nurse practitioner and they came up with some medicine that wouldn't interfere with the chemo. The biggest reason I go to this guy is so that any meds that I take can't interfere with the chemo and he's the one who figures out what chemo you're going to get. He makes a point of knowing your body chemistry so who else would you go to?

Thu.

It was raining today and as I came into radiation I noticed that the TV's were both looking for the satellite. So it shouldn't have been any great surprise that in the middle of my treatment that the electricity went off. I was strapped and clamped to the table and in my happy Zen place when all of this happened. Talk about being jerked back to reality. The lights were only off for a half of a second, but the machine had to be reset and I wound up staying strapped and clamped for an extra 20 minutes or more. They did come in and cover me up to keep me from freezing in the 60 degree room. After I finally got up my hands were numb from the lack of circulation due to having my hands strapped. It's not that uncomfortable for the 10 minutes or so that you're getting your treatments. But after about 20 minutes or so it starts to get that way. Today they were rapidly approaching the point of let me the hell up from here when they said they were starting it back up. By the time I got up off of the table I had to shake my hands to get feeling back in them. Lately I've been carrying my jacket in and almost always by the time I'm leaving I'm putting it on at least till I can get outside and then I'm looking for a sunny place to stand. Today it took me nearly 2 hours before I could take my coat off and 2 cups of hot tea before my hands completely thawed out.

Four treatments left.

SHORT !!! ( If you don't know what it means ask a veteran )