I don't suppose any lay person can
really understand how cancer truly affects a person. Its one of those
things that unfortunately you just have to get it to fully understand
how it affects the body's ability to do all sorts of things. And it
affects each and every one it touches in a different way. One short
trip through a chemo infusion room will really wake you up. You will
see every type of person or humanity hooked up to a machine putting
the vilest poisons into their bloodstream just to be able to stay
above ground for one more day. Some young but mostly older people.
Some you can tell have made their peace with the world, some you can
tell haven't quite figured it out yet, and some still have that
strange look of disbelief that it cant be happening to them. Chemo
affects everyone differently yet there are many things in common.
Hair loss, vomiting, and diarrhea are the usual things along with a
generally weak feeling and malaise.
Radiation is a bit of an eye opener
if you don't know what to expect. Depending on where it is attacking
you the technicians will attach you to a table and turn the machine
on for about 20 seconds for each shot with somewhere between five and
ten shots again depending on your individual case. For head and neck
treatment you are attached to the table from your chest up in a
contraption that resembles a bad Halloween costume or possibly
something that has come from the set of a really bad horror movie.
For 20 minutes or so you can't scratch or do anything but lie
perfectly still. You can expect burns from the radiation and a loss
of hair at the treatment sight, possibly permanent. In my case my
beard is now much lighter and it takes about a week now before I
start looking scruffy.
The good news is that chemo and
radiation do work. With roughly 2 months of daily treatments mine was
reduced to almost nothing. This combination is still the best option.
Treatments are being developed now that target your own personal DNA
and in time may even lead to a more painless cure.
New problems will crop up from time
to time throughout your treatment. You will find that foods quit
becoming the tasty little morsels that they once were and some smells
that used to set your mouth to water now you almost gag at. The
smell of popcorn can almost make me run from a room.
There will come a time when you are
through with treatment for a while and you'll think hey that wasn't
so bad. I had a few rough days during chemo but it straightened
itself out soon enough and I was feeling normal again. What I wasn't
prepared for is the delayed reaction to chemo. I started losing
weight almost immediately and I didn't have that much to lose. And
with the weight loss also came a loss of strength that I wasn't ready
to accept but had to give in to eventually. For me its been a very
long battle and its still a fight to do some of the things I used to
do. Thankfully I have a riding mower because if I had to do my yard
with a push mower it would just have to look shaggy. By the time it
would take me to make four passes over my front yard it would be time
for me to take a nap. Thankfully now my strength is starting to
return but its a slow process and I still find many limitations on my
activities. The cooler weather has been a blessing and I'm doing
exercises to regain some of my strength. The heat affects me more now
than ever and tends to accentuate my lack of strength and stamina.
And truthfully how many games of solitaire can you play and how much
TV can you watch before you go stir crazy ? I personally have to get
up every hour or so and go outside and walk around. Then after I've
made my round of the backyard and made sure it's all still there I go
back inside.
Sleep is another thing to get messed
with. I had been a day sleeper and a night stalker. My standard line
to other drivers was that Teresa was the day shift and I was the
night shift. Some of my sleep was surely upset by the fact that my
treatments were all morning times and if you do things long enough
you will eventually fall into that schedule. However, always before
when I worked a day shift I would sleep late on weekends and stay up
till 2 or 3 in the morning. Not now. By 11 at night I'm looking at
the bed longingly and by 8 in the morning I couldn't sleep anymore if
I had to.
The PEG tube or G tube ( Gastric )
as the doctors call it which is just a small rubber hose that comes
out of your abdomen and is connected to your stomach is another
inconvenience that you will have to mold your life around. A
dietitian at some point has made the calculations as to how many
calories it takes to keep you alive and maintaining your weight. The
tube allows you to be fed usually by means of a baby formula looking
liquid. For me it's six cans a day and I am highly encouraged to eat
anything else I can manage. My major problem at this point is that
food has now become inconvenient. It's a bit surprising really but
when you don't eat food for quite some time and you don't have hunger
pains any more you totally forget about eating. I have almost turned
into one of those bratty kids that refuses to eat anything. With the
sense of smell ( which is very closely linked to your sense of taste
) screwed up and your taste buds on vacation it gets really hard to
tell yourself that you want something. Your brain asks the question
“ Why bother?” and after a bit when you can't come up with a
reasonable answer you just quit eating. In my case there were other
things at work but the result was the same. I have finally convinced
myself that at this point in my recovery that I am going to have to
start eating at actual food if I'm ever going to fully recover. And
trying to explain the almost total disinterest in food borders on the
impossible. It's almost like a habit you once had but have moved on
past it. If I could just figure out a way to sell that.
To add insult to injury I was
informed last week that the VA is not going to give me any teeth even
though the dentists had told me that I would indeed get them. Add to
that the cost of dentures runs between $ 400 and $ 2300 depending on
how well you want to look after they finish and how long you want
them to last. So it's looking like I'll have to wait until I can get
back to work before I'll be able to afford dentures. The biggest
problem with that is that in order to gain strength and weight I need
more than the liquid diet I have been subsisting on. Catch 22.
When I first went to the doctor
about this I figured it was goiter or something similar. Of course
when we found out it was cancer our whole lives changed. We decided
that we would take off of work while treatments were ongoing. What we
never expected was how long this might take. It's been ongoing for
ten months now and we're still not sure when it may end. It's been
less and it's been more than expected. Less in the sense that it
wasn't totally debilitating and more in that I wasn't really
expecting this long of a recovery. All of the weight I have lost has
really eaten into my energy and stamina reserves to the point of
almost having none.
My right arm and shoulder are
another issue. It was originally thought to have been a complication
of the cancer. Turns out I must have done something at one time or
another to tear some stuff up. Physical therapy people have now
looked at it, worked on it, and given me some exercises to strengthen
it back up.
Mostly though, as I look back I see
how lucky I was to have caught this when I did. The doctors had
originally said it was stage 4A meaning that if it wasn't caught very
soon my time would have been limited. Although you never know really
how long any of us have, I like most people would like to stretch it
out for a bit longer. I have no hopes or intentions of seeing 100. By
the time I'm in my 80's I'm sure I'll be sitting in front of a TV or
computer trying to find enough to keep my mind occupied. I have known
for a long time that God has had a purpose for me although I'm never
really sure as to what it is.
Until next time.
