A look back

    I don't suppose any lay person can really understand how cancer truly affects a person. Its one of those things that unfortunately you just have to get it to fully understand how it affects the body's ability to do all sorts of things. And it affects each and every one it touches in a different way. One short trip through a chemo infusion room will really wake you up. You will see every type of person or humanity hooked up to a machine putting the vilest poisons into their bloodstream just to be able to stay above ground for one more day. Some young but mostly older people. Some you can tell have made their peace with the world, some you can tell haven't quite figured it out yet, and some still have that strange look of disbelief that it cant be happening to them. Chemo affects everyone differently yet there are many things in common. Hair loss, vomiting, and diarrhea are the usual things along with a generally weak feeling and malaise.

    Radiation is a bit of an eye opener if you don't know what to expect. Depending on where it is attacking you the technicians will attach you to a table and turn the machine on for about 20 seconds for each shot with somewhere between five and ten shots again depending on your individual case. For head and neck treatment you are attached to the table from your chest up in a contraption that resembles a bad Halloween costume or possibly something that has come from the set of a really bad horror movie. For 20 minutes or so you can't scratch or do anything but lie perfectly still. You can expect burns from the radiation and a loss of hair at the treatment sight, possibly permanent. In my case my beard is now much lighter and it takes about a week now before I start looking scruffy.

    The good news is that chemo and radiation do work. With roughly 2 months of daily treatments mine was reduced to almost nothing. This combination is still the best option. Treatments are being developed now that target your own personal DNA and in time may even lead to a more painless cure.

    New problems will crop up from time to time throughout your treatment. You will find that foods quit becoming the tasty little morsels that they once were and some smells that used to set your mouth to water now you almost gag at. The smell of popcorn can almost make me run from a room.

    There will come a time when you are through with treatment for a while and you'll think hey that wasn't so bad. I had a few rough days during chemo but it straightened itself out soon enough and I was feeling normal again. What I wasn't prepared for is the delayed reaction to chemo. I started losing weight almost immediately and I didn't have that much to lose. And with the weight loss also came a loss of strength that I wasn't ready to accept but had to give in to eventually. For me its been a very long battle and its still a fight to do some of the things I used to do. Thankfully I have a riding mower because if I had to do my yard with a push mower it would just have to look shaggy. By the time it would take me to make four passes over my front yard it would be time for me to take a nap. Thankfully now my strength is starting to return but its a slow process and I still find many limitations on my activities. The cooler weather has been a blessing and I'm doing exercises to regain some of my strength. The heat affects me more now than ever and tends to accentuate my lack of strength and stamina. And truthfully how many games of solitaire can you play and how much TV can you watch before you go stir crazy ? I personally have to get up every hour or so and go outside and walk around. Then after I've made my round of the backyard and made sure it's all still there I go back inside.

    Sleep is another thing to get messed with. I had been a day sleeper and a night stalker. My standard line to other drivers was that Teresa was the day shift and I was the night shift. Some of my sleep was surely upset by the fact that my treatments were all morning times and if you do things long enough you will eventually fall into that schedule. However, always before when I worked a day shift I would sleep late on weekends and stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning. Not now. By 11 at night I'm looking at the bed longingly and by 8 in the morning I couldn't sleep anymore if I had to.

    The PEG tube or G tube ( Gastric ) as the doctors call it which is just a small rubber hose that comes out of your abdomen and is connected to your stomach is another inconvenience that you will have to mold your life around. A dietitian at some point has made the calculations as to how many calories it takes to keep you alive and maintaining your weight. The tube allows you to be fed usually by means of a baby formula looking liquid. For me it's six cans a day and I am highly encouraged to eat anything else I can manage. My major problem at this point is that food has now become inconvenient. It's a bit surprising really but when you don't eat food for quite some time and you don't have hunger pains any more you totally forget about eating. I have almost turned into one of those bratty kids that refuses to eat anything. With the sense of smell ( which is very closely linked to your sense of taste ) screwed up and your taste buds on vacation it gets really hard to tell yourself that you want something. Your brain asks the question “ Why bother?” and after a bit when you can't come up with a reasonable answer you just quit eating. In my case there were other things at work but the result was the same. I have finally convinced myself that at this point in my recovery that I am going to have to start eating at actual food if I'm ever going to fully recover. And trying to explain the almost total disinterest in food borders on the impossible. It's almost like a habit you once had but have moved on past it. If I could just figure out a way to sell that.

    To add insult to injury I was informed last week that the VA is not going to give me any teeth even though the dentists had told me that I would indeed get them. Add to that the cost of dentures runs between $ 400 and $ 2300 depending on how well you want to look after they finish and how long you want them to last. So it's looking like I'll have to wait until I can get back to work before I'll be able to afford dentures. The biggest problem with that is that in order to gain strength and weight I need more than the liquid diet I have been subsisting on. Catch 22.

    When I first went to the doctor about this I figured it was goiter or something similar. Of course when we found out it was cancer our whole lives changed. We decided that we would take off of work while treatments were ongoing. What we never expected was how long this might take. It's been ongoing for ten months now and we're still not sure when it may end. It's been less and it's been more than expected. Less in the sense that it wasn't totally debilitating and more in that I wasn't really expecting this long of a recovery. All of the weight I have lost has really eaten into my energy and stamina reserves to the point of almost having none.

    My right arm and shoulder are another issue. It was originally thought to have been a complication of the cancer. Turns out I must have done something at one time or another to tear some stuff up. Physical therapy people have now looked at it, worked on it, and given me some exercises to strengthen it back up.

    Mostly though, as I look back I see how lucky I was to have caught this when I did. The doctors had originally said it was stage 4A meaning that if it wasn't caught very soon my time would have been limited. Although you never know really how long any of us have, I like most people would like to stretch it out for a bit longer. I have no hopes or intentions of seeing 100. By the time I'm in my 80's I'm sure I'll be sitting in front of a TV or computer trying to find enough to keep my mind occupied. I have known for a long time that God has had a purpose for me although I'm never really sure as to what it is.

            Until next time.